I am twenty-three years old. When most people think of twenty-three year olds, they think of social butterflies--people who are happy to go out on the weekends and meet tons of new people; who thrive on going to parties and expanding their social circle.
That is not me.
I've never really had an easy time making friends -- I was never able to explain why, but I hated being surrounded by people I didn't know, I hated making "small talk" and forced niceties, and I hated the feeling I got when I didn't know what to expect going into a situation. What was worst about this whole situation is that I started to hate myself for not being like everyone else -- for lacking that charm that most girls seemed to have naturally. I managed to get by in school because I kept similar friends throughout my years there, but as you can imagine, this was a NIGHTMARE when I started college. The first year of college is basically a frenzy to meet and make friends with as many people as you can, and I just knew that it was going to be difficult for me.
What I learned later, is that I am, by nature, an introvert. And that's OK. A lot of people assume that introverts are terribly shy and lacking social skills, but that's not the case. Most people are extroverts and thrive on the energy from others--they are happiest when surrounded by people. Introverts are exactly the opposite -- we get most of our energy and motivation from ourselves.
This makes life really hard sometimes, but the older I get, here are the things I've learned:
Being an introvert does not mean that I'm shy -- I am more than happy to meet new people and carry on conversations. The difference is that I MUCH prefer to meet people one on one, or in small groups. Large groups or crowded places really, really overwhelm me and cause me a lot of anxiety. I feel so great after a night out with a small group, but I feel literally sick to my stomach entering a room with a lot of people.
I need time by myself to recharge -- while going out and being around people energizes most people, it physically drains me. While I can go out and have fun at a bar or club, I usually spend next day by myself, taking time to relax and work on projects for myself.
Say yes to things outside your comfort zone, but don't feel bad about saying no if you know you will be miserable -- I have had such good times going to parties and events that I felt really nervous about. Things that I expected to be nerveracking turned out to be great experiences. However, there have been some times when, for example, a party I was invited to was full of people I knew I would feel awkward running in to. I felt bad about not going, but I know that it wouldn't have turned out well.
Explaining these things to people help -- since most people haven't been through it, it helps to explain things. most of my friends have been super understanding when I tell them about these things. I definitely have run into a few instances where people have been a little bit rude or condescending about it, but in general, it's been fine.
If you have friends who are introverts:
-Don't take it personally if they decline social invitations. It doesn't mean they don't want to hang out with you. It just means they aren't comfortable hanging out in that situation.
-Make time to spend with them one on one. It's the best way of getting to know an introvert.
-Introduce them to people you think they might click with - sometimes meeting people is really difficult, and having that bridge makes things a little easier. DON'T make it obvious, or force it though, because that makes things 100x worse.
If you are an introvert yourself:
-Try saying yes to new things. You might end up having a better time than you thought!
-Make more of an effort to meet new people. Try talking to that nice girl at the coffee shop or that guy that says hi at the concert. They might end up being a new friend!
-Get involved in groups that make it easier to meet people.
After all of my nervousness about my first year of college, I ended up meeting some of my very best friends there. I went out, I had fun, and I got involved in lots of different things that allowed me to meet lots of different people and I had the best time. It can be done. :)
Are you an introvert or an extrovert?
Great post! I'm including it in my Monday 'start your week off with..' feature.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I'm like that and feel way too socially awkward to interact with people I don't know. And other times I can get the knack of just engaging in random conversation. At my old work I was too intimidated to talk to anybody, and I gradually eased into talking to everyone and made a new friend.
Lauren
http://tasteslikelove.blogspot.com
this was great! i feel like people think i'm an extrovert, and i think i might think that too, but i'm starting to realize that i just love being by myself more than anything and that smallest groups are my favoritest kind of groups! so, it's interesting trying to figure yourself out and this definitely help put more perspective on it.
ReplyDeletelove your honesty! love you, girlie! <3
i'm 19 and the only one of my school friends who doesn't like going out clubbing or drinking on the weekends, i'd much rather stay at home with my sketchbook and a takeout..i used to be kind of embarassed by it but really, some people just don't find things as fun as others! i'd actually much rather have some real hobbies than spend my nights drinking aimlessly. i've started to see being introverted as a good thing!
ReplyDeleteIf you don't mind I'd like to feature this post as well. I'm exactly the same way and you have summed it up perfectly. It's really difficult to explain to people, and where most understand, some just think I'm either too snobby to hang out or just think I'm depressed and neither of those are even remotely true. Thank you for this, love.
ReplyDeleteI am so glad that people relate -- I was so nervous about actually publishing this post!
ReplyDeleteThanks to anyone who wants to feature it, that would be great!
chelsea, i LOVE this post! i have been an introvert ALL of my life, and it's only been in the last couple years that i've finally come to accept it and realize that there is nothing wrong with me.
ReplyDeletei always felt like i was weird because i couldn't relate or make small talk or easily make friends like others, and for the longest time that had such negative consequences on my self-esteem. and i've realized that unless someones is an introvert, they can't understand it, so i constantly got comments from extrovert friends like, "girl, you need to come out of your shell" or "you just have to get over it and stop being so shy." but you're right, it's not a thing of being shy, because i know that i, and several other extreme introverts i know, can really have a good time, but it just has to be a situation where we feel comfortable.
anyway, i could write a book for a comment about this post, because it's nice to see someone write out the exact things i've thought and felt!
I'm somewhere in between. I was painfully shy as a kid, but I taught myself to basically "fake it 'til you make it" & appear outgoing. I have terrible anxiety that I too often let get the best of me, but I find that once I push past it, I'm usually just fine!
ReplyDeleteWow. Reading this it's like you read my mind. I'm the same age as you and struggle with a lot of this stuff. My co- workers seem to think my weekends should be filled with parties and nights at clubs when I'd much rather dinner with some friends and some 'me' time.
ReplyDeleteThe friends who've known me for ever are used to it and no longer take offense when I don't want to join them and their newer friends ( the ones I dont know) on a night out. But I find it a real struggle to make new friends. I'm better in a controlled environment like work/ school where the contact with people is kind of mandatory and over time I warm up around them.
Though for as quiet and umcomfortable as I can be around new people, I'm always the centre of attention around those I know well.. It's the strangest kink in my personality! I think as we get older we have more understanding of ourselves and are more accepting of others as well.
Fantastic post, glad I found it!
I am an introvert through and through. Unfortunately people aren't always understanding. Sometimes you do have to fake it though, and it is unbelievably tiring.
ReplyDeleteI'm right there with you! What's really fun for me is that my husband is in a band that plays shows out a lot, so I've often been pulled between supporting him & freaking out alone in a room-full of strangers. It's only been really recently that I've been able to own it; to stand there and realize that I don't have any desire to know/chit-chat with a bunch of random people, so it's OK to be myself.
ReplyDeleteWe introverts need to start a marketing campaign.
I'm an introvert and this is one of the best descriptions I've heard for how I feel on a daily basis. I'm lucky enough to have a good group of girlfriends from college, but now that we've graduated and moved away, it's really hard to find new friends!
ReplyDeleteGreat post. I'm an introvert too and sometimes it can feel like there is 'something wrong with me' when I rather spend time at home than partying with the other kids. However, I am getting more comfortable with the fact that I'man introvert and that it is OK to be me and happy the way I am. Thanks for sharing!
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Marielle
I loved this post so much that I had to comment. The biggest misconception ever is that introverts are shy. If there's one thing any of my close friends will tell you is that I can be as loud and outgoing as anyone in the group. But when I'm around a huge group of people I tend to shut down and therefore become the "quiet girl".
ReplyDeleteThis leads me to something I'd like to add to the list of things for people with introverted friends to know.. When you call us quiet, or worse yet, introduce us to new people as the quiet or shy one, you make it that much harder for us to break out of our shells and be ourselves around new people.
It took years for me to be okay with who I am and know that there's nothing wrong with me for not wanting to be surrounded by a crowd of people all the time! Others just need to be sensitive to the fact that not everyone wants to be the center of attention.
Amazing post. :)
this was such a well-written post! come to think of it, all of your posts are very well-written... i love reading them :)
ReplyDeleteand i think we might be the same person. no joke. you pretty much described me in this post.
<3b
Everything you just wrote strikes such a cord in me. I'm an introvert as well and I feel as if people get the wrong idea of me. I've actually been told that I come off as snobby because of my introverted ways! I feel like if people took time you understand introverts they wouldn't think that way at all.
ReplyDeleteI'm definitely an introvert too. I kept the same group of friends more or less, all through High School. When going to college, magically I was able to drop the introvert thing long enough to be able to cultivate some really amazing friendships that I have held onto upon graduating and being in the big kid word for a few years. I miss them dearly! College was the best friendship-making time of my life.
ReplyDeleteI know for sure I'm an introvert because I spend sooooo many of my days all alone, out here in our new home in the middle of freakin nowhere. I haven't "hung out with a friend" in...I can't remember how long. Luckily I have a husband so I'm not literally alone. But when I started to work from home, people would always give me comments like "Oh you're going to be so lonely!" and "I could never do that! Never see people?!" and I was thinking to myself... "FINALLY, I can just be alone and work on what I want!!". Working in my corporate design job was so insanely stressful, always being in a huge open room buzzing with people and noises and constant interruptions. There was no "down time" to focus, or take a breath. It gave me horrible anxiety that only got worse as time went on, not better. Being alone is my medicine, and I always feel better afterward :)
LOVE this post! I am for sure an introvert and I've started reading up on it and I wish I could remember who the book was written by but it's called Introvert: How to Survive in an Extrovert World...or something like that. I have a couple people who understand what goes through my mind when I don't want to go somewhere but one of my closest friends just gives me SO much crap for it and always tells me to stop trying to make it into a huge science thing which it really is... so I understand how difficult it could be to get the point across to some people.
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